A Longing for Belonging
To belong.
We all want that, don’t we?
I’m not sure I want to belong when I deeply think about what this means.
I know it’s perhaps cliché and not my usual style, but I have to open this blog with a bit of a Dictionary Corner moment.
If you humour me for a minute, let’s delve in and look at the definition of the word belong. There are a few definitions, but this one stands out….
Belong. To be suitable.
Straight away, I feel a little irked at this definition because with my work being so much about inclusion and inclusivity, the word belong is often thrown about — yet we don’t necessarily give it adequate consideration.
For me, when you belong, it isn’t — and shouldn’t be — about being suitable. It should be about being accepted, regardless of whether you are suitable against a specific criterion or not. It’s always worth remembering, as well, that such standards are typically set and defined by whoever holds the most power in a situation. Whilst on the surface, belong is a lovely word, upon more profound reflections, the notion of suitability adds caveats that can leave people well and truly out in the cold if they don’t conform or comply in the fullest sense, which is exclusive, rather than inclusive.
And then, of course, we look into belonging.
Belonging. To be the property of.
This, for me, is triggering. I’m not a fan of the term ‘belonging’ mainly because of its noun form. In other words, I’m not happy about its assumption of being someone’s actual belongings — the things they have, the things they possess, the things they own. For me, the literal sense of the word belonging links to objectification and dehumanisation — and in this, there is a fundamental imbalance of power. Yes, in belonging, you’re a part of something, but in essence, you may be a subservient part and permitted only on the whim of whoever decided they can dictate your fate in the first place. There’s a fantastic article I link to here that states how dehumanising always starts with language.
When I think about my work in pushing for inclusion and allyship, I often talk to my clients about how we are all members of ‘systems,’ e.g. work, family, community etc. A system is a concept by which we don’t, by default, ‘belong’ to it, but we are part of it, have a place in it, and contribute to the dynamics at play. In that system, each of us consciously and unconsciously contribute to the dynamic in a way that is individual to us, influencing and affecting others (and vice versa).
Of course, it’s always going to be more important for some people to feel a sense of belonging than to express the fullness of their individuality, and this all comes down to several emotions we go through as humans. We may have a sense of loyalty of not wanting to break away from or challenge the cultural norm, and we may fear what will happen to us should we attempt to do this. I believe that belonging is not the same as inclusion because its literal meaning carries certain caveats and expresses certain expectations. Yet, we use the concept of belonging to mean the opposite.
When I think about inclusion — for myself, my clients and the organisations they lead — I don’t think about belonging — I think about the acceptance of self and others, and I think about togetherness.
Togetherness.
For me, this is a powerful word when I think about equality, equity and inclusion.
Together.
To Get Her…
To-get-her, an even more powerful word for women (and the feminine). I should explain here that ‘women/woman’ and ‘feminine’ are meant in the most inclusive sense and not restricted to, or the domain of, cis-gender females (I will be writing about this in a future blog).
To-get-her — when we split the word like this, I like to believe it helps us think about profoundly understanding what women (& the feminine) can bring to our organisations. Doing so can also make us think more deeply about understanding and accepting ourselves for who we truly are. By recognising, accepting and embracing all that we are and all that we do, we can do the same for others in the spirit of togetherness and inclusion. The sense of belonging — without any undertone or energy of suitability or possession — is then inevitable. As a natural consequence of doing so, we also increase our compassion and empathy for ourselves and others.
With self-awareness and balancing both the masculine and the feminine being paramount in the work I do with my clients at Making MsChief, togetherness is a great place to work towards.
